This Hank is Too Big

This hank:

is too big for my swift.  Of course it is.  Standards?  What standards?  The yarn world has standards?

That was before I tried to wind it anyway.  Now that hank is this:

That yarn barf is courtesy of attempting to wind the hank with it hanging off a door knob.  Don't do this.  It doesn't work.  Now, my first solution was to use the middle peg of the swift to also hold the hank.  This ended up kind of working, very very slowly.  Because the hank is bent weird by the middle peg, every time you hit that part of the hank you have to stop and lift the strand off of the peg.  So I got impatient and tried the door knob.

Maybe I could console myself with the fact that if the yarn hank had been the right size, I could have ended up with this:

Why do I have such bad luck winding yarn?  I've done it successfully, I swear.